Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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