Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
