I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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