Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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