This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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