Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
