I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize