btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
