The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
