Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
