and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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