Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize