i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
