quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
