I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
