I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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