Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
