I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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