My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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