Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
