can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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