she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
