i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
