This is not my ceiling
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
