It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
