her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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