it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
