Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
