U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
