I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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