last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
