so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize