If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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