I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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