I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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