i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
