Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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