He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
