I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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