She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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