I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize