I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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