I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
