man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
