we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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