hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize