It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
