if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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