I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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