somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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