I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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