She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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