Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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