STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
