Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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