The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize