Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think a kid would responsible me up
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
