haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
